On the way back to school today from going to an assisted living care home me and my friend Emily Beth were talking and crying. Why you might ask, well because of lost love. Losing the ones we love is something we are never ready for even as much as we think we are, we arnt. My dear friend had just lost her grandfather and as she started to cry she made the comment that she really hadn’t cried about it, I told her it was good to cry and then we talked about how it’s something that you never ready for death of a loved one. February 26 of this year will mark the 4th year that my brother Levi has been dead and I still find it hard some days and there is never a day that something doesn’t remind me of him or someone I see. The year my brother died was probably one of the hardest years of my life, it started with my great grandmother dying Christmas day of 2006 and from there my brother died, my grandmother died, 2 uncles, and a friend of the family all before my 18th birthday in may of 2007 and all of these were on my Daddy’s side of the family. It was a hard year for us all. However God works in mighty ways. He kept me busy and kept me going even when I wanted so very much to just give up and give in.
Well I didn’t give in or at least on the outside I didn’t, however on the inside I was slowly becoming something I never wanted to be. I got rebellious with my family and my friends with myself and most of all with God. I started doing things I knew I didn’t need to be doing and hanging out with people I knew I didn’t need to be around. All the time getting worse and worse but I never let anyone know, I still kept that good girl look on the outside and to those that knew me. I was probably one of the biggest hypocrites I knew and no one else knew it but me.I didn’t start turning around from all of this till I started going to Blue Mountain College, coming here was where God knew I needed to be, because I needed that good influence in my life. After I came here everything just fell into place, I could see God’s hand working in my life. And last year I got saved for real, and I felt free.
Ok so I didn’t handle losing a loved one as well as everyone thought I was, the death of my brother just sent me in a tell spin, then everyone else dying didn’t help. Everyone thought she is doing great because that’s what I wanted people to see I didn’t want to be petted or have people in my face telling me oh I know what you are going through, I’ve been where you are, when they had no idea where I was or what I was going through. I always would talk about my brother but it was always hard for me to say the words to say that he was dead. It’s still hard some days to think of it but through God I have been given a hope that I will see him again. I still remember the last time seeing him and what he said and did, He hugged me kissed me on the cheek and said “I love you and will see you later.” Of course I never saw him again; but I still have that memory of him with me. I know I will see him again but not on this side of heaven but on the other.
I think we find our most pain from losing a loved one is that we don’t always know if we will see them again. Also we are selfish WE want them here, WE want to still be able to sit with them and talk to them; but that’s our problem WE want, we don’t want want what God wants. God never tells that we won’t go through this world without the loss of a loved one. We are born and we die, it’s the natural floe of life even God’s word talks about birth and death, Ecclesiastes 7:1
“A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one’s birth.” I’m not sure if it’s how God wanted it to be from the beginning but since the fall of man that’s how it’s been. If you think about it we don’t really lose the ones we love because in us, in our hearts, and minds they are still very much alive and stay that way till we pass on.
People handle death differently form others, I was strong on the outside while on the inside I was falling apart. Thankfully God was doing a good work in me that has brought me to where I am. I still hate that I lost my brother but I have hope that one day I will see him again and that’s what keeps me looking forward and not dwelling on the past. Love lost yes but Hope gained.
Thoughts from a loved one!!!